Angel of Drama - On something very personal and total honesty.

Why is it that money is the root of all evil and yet such a necessity in life?

Why am I so horrible at managing money and get myself into situations that eat away at the very core of me?

Will I ever learn and gain the strength to stop myself from making the same mistakes again and again?

Will we ever overcome the place in life that we are now and not worry so much about money?

Will we ever be able to afford things that we can't afford now and enjoy the peace of mind of not worrying how much is left or is NOT left in our checking account?

Why do I constantly feel like I'm the only idiot on the planet that can't manage money and has a problem with "instant gratification" when it comes to money and spending?

Will there ever be a night when I can go to bed and just drift off to sleep without replaying all of my mistakes and money problems thru my head?

I'm overwhelmed. The worst about this feeling is that it's not the money problems directly, it's the fact that the money problems are my fault because I'm stupid and can't manage money well. I know what I should have done in every situation. I look back on everything and think, if only I had done this I wouldn't be feeling this stress and pressure. I wouldn't be in this position now. My credit would be great and there would be no worries. Instead, I look back and beat myself up for the choices I made and keep making.

My biggest problem is instant gratification. It's the root of all of my money issues and that issue alone is what keeps me making the same mistakes over and over. Zero will-power and the need for instant gratification make a lethal combonation. It means that I want my money problems fixed now and when I don't see the results I just give up. See, I want a large amount of money to fall from the sky, right now so that I can fix my messes, move on and try to make the right decisions from here on out. But, that won't happen. I can't fix things right now. They'll take time and patience.... and I don't have time and patience. So what is going to happen is we will get things somewhat patched up over the next few months and then I'll give up because I am not seeing big results and we'll be right back where we started.

I see money as a curse sometimes. It will probably give me ulcers. Scratch that, money won't give me ulcers, my guilt and stress over the mistakes I make with money will give me ulcers. I need help. Right now I need a large amount of money to bail me out and then, I resolve to make things right from then on. But it's not going to happen. So how do I fix things? Get a job? Yeah, then I lose what is most important to me, time with my boys. Besides, a job won't give me instant gratification.... it will take me away from my family and won't provide gobs of money in a couple weeks time like I need. Do I take on a job as a 1-900 sex kitten operator? Believe me, I have considered it. Hubby would flip out. If I was single, you can damn well bet I would be doing it for fast cash.

I have thought of every option I could..... there are none. I just take it one day at a time and start doing the best I can possibly do. But it won't aleviate the one thing hanging over my head that won't go away, unless money falls from the sky, right now. At what point does God stop listening to my prayers and say "Sorry Angel... I'm done with you. You screwed up way too many times...."

My take on the weather ~ Angel of design

I live in the Northeast, in PA. Why do I live here, I ask myself often.

I don't do well in extreme temperatures. I'd move south but for the humidity and larger bugs....eeek! I have no desire to live in CA due to the cost of living and politics that I don't agree with.

So here I am, in the town I grew up in. Exciting huh? I sometimes wish I had moved but now? We are rooted. We've discussed moving to Charlotte NC and if hubby and I sell our novels we will more than likely move. But with weather, I seem to be okay with where I am. If I could live in perpetual late spring. early summer I would but after awhile I'd miss the changing of the leaves and cold football weather fall. I'd miss the fluffy snow that falls onto your eyelashes or smacks you in the face as you fly down a hill on a tube. I'd miss the crunching of it under my boots (but I wouldn't miss the brown slush.)

We don't get too many ice storms, which I would hate, we don't get earth quakes and other than some heavy rain (and I don't live in a flood plain) we aren't effected by hurricanes. So weather wise, I'm quite content.

The only complaint I have right now is 3 days straight of rain and grey skies. If I'm going to have grey skies in January, give me fluffy white snow. My son is off from school today and it would have been fun to use the snowman kit my parents gave them and sled down the hill followed by hot cocoa. *sigh*

Angel of Design..... "The Year of...." for me

So Dramamama (aka Angel of Drama's) year is the year of free thinking.

My year is a mixture of simplicity and complexity, a 'complicity' or 'simplexity' if you will.

First it's the 'get my ass out of the house without the kids more often' year.

Second it's the 'make lots of mula on my own' year.

One can not happen without the other. Hubby and I can't go out on 'date night' and pay a babysister unless we free up the cash flow that we have had cogged since the day he went to law school. There has never been a time when we have both been working AT THE SAME TIME. I worked while he was in law school, then he couldn't find a law job and I was pregnant with my son. He gets hired after I have my son (while I'm still working) and then I move to part-time because I'm pregnant with my daugther. Then I get let go. Since then I've had part-time jobs but nothing in a design firm/arch. firm which is my preference so I usually walk away from the job so I know I can't except a job unless it's what I seek. I know, I've brough it upon myself in a way.

The second one could happen in one of three ways:

#1 I get a design job (and I have resumes out there so here's to hoping.)

#2. Sell my novel. I have a query letter to a publisher but they've had this query since March of 2006... they say they're backed up but wtf? I plan to revamp the novel and call to find out just HOW backed up they are before finding another publisher to shop the novel to.

and
#3. Get the baking business to a serious level. I can't open a 'bakery' per se until my kids are about 4-5 years older because I am trying to get the business plan, the health departments regulations, insurance information, equipment and vendors and blahbedy blah blah blah.

Oh I have possibilities but they all lead to brick walls thus far. I love all three viable options and can invision myself doing any of them. I've done the design thing in the past so it would be neat to sell my book and go on book tours. And the baking business would be great because perhaps my kids could learn as I learn.

On the 'get my ass out of the house......' plan I just need to have more adult time. It has been 5 years of SAHM-dom. I love it. It's the absolute hardest job that I love to do (as I just recently heard on TV somewhere) but I also am a human adult and need that type of interaction. I'll be a better mom and wife if I do that.

So that is my year. Selfish and self-motivated but there you have it in a nut shell.

The Year of the Pig... PSHAW! It's the Year of Free Thinking

That's right folks, it has only taken 31 years of breathing in and out for me, the Angel of Drama, to finally get a grip on thinking for myself. What a concept.

It has been 31 years of being told what to do, living in other people's shadows, being a follower, trying to be people I am not and during all of that time not being smart enough to realize that I actually have a mind of my own and I should learn how to use it.

Explaining exactly what I mean is a difficult task, not in regards to my new revelation but in how I have lived up to this point. The best way I can describe what I mean is that during my lifetime I have kind of been a puppet on a string. It's not that I let people run my life and make decisions for me because I haven't. I am independent and intelligent (well, technically speaking) and I have made my life what it is. No one else has done that for me. However, my life has still been led as if others are pulling those proverbial strings.

These so-called "puppeteers" weren't my parents, friends or co-workers in a direct manner of speaking. The puppeteers were more like the ideals, traits and viewpoints of those immediately around me and society, for that matter, that I held myself up against. Furthermore, the puppeteers were on television and in the public eye and I would believe everything they said, because, well, they were on t.v so they must be telling the truth, right?

Why did it take 31 years for me to learn that I don't have to believe everything on t.v? I don't have to conform my life to everyone else's around me and I don't have to believe everything I read and see. The question to that answer is retorical and virtually futile. It just doesn't matter now. What does matter is this new year, this new revelation and the freedom I am beginning to feel.

You know, I have heard many times, from various people, that the best time in their lives were spent in their 3o's. Maybe I am beginning to understand why. As a 20-something, you can only grimace at turning 30 and it seems so far away and so ancient. While I still dislike saying I'm 31, it's still young and I'm most certainly in a better place now than I was in my 20's, mentally and physcially. Turning 30 seems to have been a cornerstone, a natural right of passage in my life that has given me strength in character, strength in mind and freedom from holding myself up to everyone else's standards.

2007 will be a great year. I can feel it in my bones and my mental state is what is going to make it so great. Everyone's life is a journey of lessons and trials. Some learn faster than others. Me, well, I'm a slow learner. My life has been a mental struggle for as long as I can remember. It may always be. But it's a struggle that I am now winning and will continue to win. The funny thing is, it took blogging to really discover myself. In the beginning I saw someone that I didn't like. Realizations were made that shed light on so many things and it was like a domino effect. As I progressed in blogging, I progessed in mental strength and found myself and that is all I really ever need to be.

Computer know-how.... (Angel of Design)

In short (like me, hee hee) I don't have any, or rather very little, computer know-how. I am trying to remedy that. As an example, I managed to fix my profile pic and have my icon/avatar back up and running and with little trouble. Yeah me!

So with that excitement (and unfortunately a raging headache, which will probably be my down fall) I plan to attempt more daring computer feats for my computer-challenged brain. :D This will include loading software into my laptop for my kids digital cameras that they got from Santa LAST Christmas. I know, aren't I Johnny on the spot? And getting the software set up for our MP3 players that Santa brought for this year. (I'm trying to get back on track. LOL.)

Wish me luck. :D